Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Enjoy the penises
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
