I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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