oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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