can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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