God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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