Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
