i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
