So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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