my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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