just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
