I could have mohawked her pubes.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
