Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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