dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
