just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
