there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
