There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Is it because I queefed?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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