JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
