He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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