I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
