you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
