Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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