you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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