i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
