Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
