I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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