you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
