You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
