And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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