Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
