if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
