obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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