Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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