I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
