Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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