No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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