My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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