one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
