next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
