and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
