Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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