Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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