watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Drake has all the answers
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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