sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
