im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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