Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
