From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
