I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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