For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
