tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
