The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
