whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
